Actually it is true
I saw the contract
the new toys will be made of lead painted plastic
the diamond tools will be plated synthetic - guaranteed for the life of the product
the lubricating fluids will be composed of fluoridated water and other hazmat materials
they make it easier to see as your gravers will glow in the dark!
the co2 will be replaced by enormous canisters of methane gas taken straight from the rear ends of the current political administration
for those who don't want the canisters a representative from either party can be rented or bought off for a lesser price and will come equipped with sufficient tubing to allow complete mobility as the individual can follow closely behind you where ever you decide to set up shop
all forms of currency will be accepted except the American dollar which has little to no value on the open market
the tools can be engraved with a picture of the messiah of your choice
for an additional fee
each unit can be custom made with an led emergency light in the nose piece and an emergency radio receiver that never needs batteries. you simply wind up the handle and it will pull in shortwave, am and fm from countless stations world wide broadcasting bogus news reports
you can monitor the decline of the economy (and your income) in real time.
yes folks. don't wait for the disaster to come to you, order yours today.
If you order within the next ten minutes Steve will throw in a copy of his "secrets to engraving success"
This priceless booklet contains a wealth of information like:
how to melt down grandmas silverware to make rings, how to grind off made in china from any knife and remark it for a 4000 percent markup and 15 other useful trade secrets guaranteed to make you rich beyond your wildest dreams
so act now
operators are standing by to take your call